Sound of Silence

(Simone & Garfunkel)

I have a confession. Something's been bothering me for some time and I've never written about it...or even discussed it. I Don't get too excited! It's nothing earth shattering, but it's something that I deal with on almost a daily basis. Being alone. I've been single, well, forever and I've lived on my own (no roommate) for the past six years (or so). Most days I enjoy it, relish it, and savor it.

But then there are days like today. Days where I become that annoying "clingy" friend at work. The one who hangs onto people. The one who talks even though there's work to be done. The one who fills every available moment with some kind of social interaction. (By the way, I am aware that I do it, but when I feel like this, it's like I can't stop myself.) Why do I behave this way? Because I know that once work is over, I'm alone until work the next day. I come home to a silent house. I turn on television or music to fill the silence. (Ironically, the phone just rang, but it rarely does during the week.) So, it's me and my dog, Leo. What that means is sometimes I have no one to talk with from 4pm til 8am the next morning.

Silence...

Now, I do go to the gym. Run errands. Sometimes the phone does ring. I have friendly neighbors. But, I can't count on any of that. There are days where nothing fills the silence. It's tough. I wonder about my friends with kids running around, living with parents, or significant others. I did. I was engaged. There were days I longed for this silence. Now, I'd trade it in a second....no, that's not right either. Appreciate the silence.

I've begun building my evening routine. Gym. Bath. Reading a good book. Reading The Good Book. Calling a friend. Planning activities to get out of the house. Writing. Etc...

Today was one of those days where I felt the loneliness tugging at me. I felt it sitting on my shoulder laughing at me. Pushing me to be that needy, clingy, annoying friend. I'm sorry. Today I gave in. Isn't recognizing a problem the first step to solving it? I recognized it awhile ago. I think my first step is confessing it...this is my problem (well, one of them anyways.)