Crayons & Pencils

There's a Light

2011-05-30T13:49:00.000-04:00

(Beth Nielsen Chapman)

Today I am feeling lonely. That's the bad news. But here's the good news, feeling lonely doesn't mean I deserve to feel lonely. It doesn't make me a bad person. It doesn't make me undeserving of love. It's a simple feeling. I'm not anesthetizing this feeling. I'm just letting myself feel it. Dad used to say, "You get one day, Michelle. Go ahead and feel bad for one day, but then put it behind you and move on." So today...I'm feeling lonely...and tomorrow, I will put it behind me.

There You Are

2011-05-29T16:50:00.000-04:00

(Martina McBride)

Well, I did it. Once again, I took the leap into....wait for it....internet dating. I abhor it...BUT, I am different this time. I feel like I am a different person. I am a runner. I am a Christian. These things I say about myself with confidence and conviction, so with those tools, I am attempting to continue "build"ing this year. Last night made me see that I need to believe in myself. Believe in my own worthy-ness to meet someone. I do. Finally (well, right now) I believe it. So onto the dating world. Watch out, here I come!

Just Might (Make Me Believe)

2011-05-28T23:58:00.000-04:00

(Sugarland)

Just got home from another amazing deck party at C's. I love fun nights out meeting new people. Tonight was a good night...a really good night. The group was small, intimate would be an appropriate description. The best part was we were from different parts of her life. Her brother, sister-in-law, and nephew…family; her roommate, a couple of teacher friends from her former school, some church friends, a high school friend from Michigan, and a neighbor (oh, and me). I’d only met two or three of these people at the last party, so I was nervous going in.

There’s one specific thing I’d like to talk about here…the unexpected. Driving the hour to get to her deck party, I was ruminating the possibility of meeting someone, as I often do when I am in a situation where I’m able to meet new people. Tears formed as I lamented the “alone-ness” of my romantic life. I felt helpless and hopeless, but I remembered a line from a book I bought today about how I’m not in control of this part of my life, God is.

When I arrived, there were three other guests (all women), so I immediately dismissed the idea of meeting anyone. People trickled in…a neighbor was grilling wings to serve. This neighbor, a former marine, seemed very nice. I said, “ You’re the wing man.” He laughed.

There were only 8 or 9 people at the party, so we were all chatting together. Eventually, conversations split and we talked about accidents we had as kids, cooking, and other things. He makes very corny jokes…but if you know me, you know what I do, I laugh. I was happy. I felt good. I felt hope.

The story does not end with…and they lived happily ever after, but it does have a happy ending. This story isn’t even really about the neighbor (even though he was sweet, funny, attractive, could talk to anyone easily, and seemed to enjoy my company). No it’s not about him. It’s about me. I enjoyed my time with him. I felt “worthy” of him and his attention. Now, he has a girlfriend and lives about an hour away, BUT tonight God showed me that there is hope. Thank you!

Continued thoughts on running...

2011-05-22T17:54:00.000-04:00

One of the things I didn't write about in my last post was how I was feeling coming up to the race. Having had some knee problems, I was scared to race. I felt like I wasn't prepared and that I would do a terrible job. In my life, I avoid things that I feel like I can't do well, instead of facing them head on. All week long, even this morning, the tape playing in my head was, "Maybe I won't feel well on Sunday." or "No one will know if I don't run." or "What reason can I come up with to not run?" I started with justifications and reasoning myself right out of it. Even this morning, I arrived early and didn't see anyone I knew for 35 minutes. I thought about leaving.

But, I didn't. I ran.

I pushed myself to stay and see what would happen. This morning I also prayed A LOT! I wrote down scripture verses about fear and repeated them to myself. Once I ran into my friends who were running, there was no "escape", Thank God!

Once the race began, I felt great. I wish I could describe the feeling of running and what it means to me. Words fail me. I felt strong, motivated, happy, alive...see these words come close, but don't encompass the experience for me. I kept thinking, "I could have missed this!" And that's what I want to remember...the "I could have missed this!" feeling. That feeling will keep me running. I am truly proud of myself today. I made a real change in my life. So, June 11th...four mile twilight run...here I come!

I am a runner.

"Chariots of Fire"

2011-05-22T11:19:00.000-04:00

I wasn't planning on blogging about running, but then I thought...why not? This morning I ran my second 5K in Ashburn. I was literally scared of running today. My knee has been bothering me and I was scared that I wouldn't finish. My win...my success is showing up and running it this morning when all I wanted to do was hide and skip it.

My first 5K was on April 30th...Run Me Home, sponsored by my church, LUMC. It was an amazing first race. I loved everything about it. The morning was cool...race started at 7:00, much of it was on the W&OD trail, lots of friendly faces around! (Runners are some of the nicest and most supportive people around!) Here is a picture of my running in my very first 5K....

Today, May 22nd, my second 5K was in Ashburn Village. The race started at 8:00, LOTS more people, very crowded, NO shade, LOTS of hills, and the 5K and 10K started together...didn't like that. But, I had my new Enell Running Bra on, a hat to keep those whispy hairs from flying in my eyes, my iPod with my killer playlist, and my positive attitude.

Every time I run, I learn something new. That's one of the reasons I love running. Today I learned that I need to continue to work on my cardio. My knee, my legs, my body was prepared to keep running, but I couldn't catch my breath. I am looking forward to continuing my training to fix that problem. I need to remember that I began running February 28th. Before that I was completely sedentary. My running journey continues....and I am loving it!

This morning I found some scripture verses to inspire me to continue. There are the ones that helped me this morning:

I can do everything through him who gives me strength.
Philippians 4:13 NIV

For God gave us not a spirit of fearfulness; but of power and love and discipline. (2 Timothy 1:7) (American Standard Version)

For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you. (Isaiah 41:13)

Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart
and wait for the LORD.
Psalm 27:14 New International Version

"Friends"

2011-02-01T21:01:00.000-05:00

(Michael W. Smith)

I just walked in from a dinner with friends. Feeling grateful, content, and giddy from all of our giggles. There's something special about time spent with friends. Sharing, talking, laughing...I find it inspiring. These friends came into my life about a year ago and my life has changed- for the better- since knowing them. We go to church together, we pray together, we share our successes and failures...we are present in each others lives. They are accepting, kind, smart, funny, beautiful women who have made me better for knowing them. There's a song about friends that keeps running through my head...

This video is for you, my friends...

"These are the Days"

2011-01-30T15:47:00.000-05:00

(Sugarland)

It's been eleven days since I've posted here...sorry about that. I started another blog for my students which has been keeping me VERY busy.

Then the past three work days: Snow days! Yippeee!

I want to write more, but I don't know what to say. Hmmm....that's not usually a problem for me. I will at least post this so I am not MIA anymore.

Little Moments

2011-01-19T06:51:00.000-05:00

(Brad Paisley)

All around me I see big things happening...friends getting engaged, starting new relationships, friends dealing with serious illness...to name a few. I feel like I am holding onto "little moments" to steer my way through the big ones. It grounds me. Helps me see where I am going.

In three days, I will celebrate the last of my thirties, heading into the next decade. Where will I go? What big happenings or little moments will be coming my way?

It's only 19 days into the new year and all of that enthusiasm I had for all things new- this blog, gym, etc- it's waning and I am feeling overwhelmed. This is when I have given up. Hidden. Made excuses for myself. Instead, I recognize that I am getting involved in my church. I've been a good friend to my friends. I am dealing with stress at work that is, at times, crushing. So, I need to steer the ship towards this place, towards the gym and running. I need to continue to build! Build on what's started and don't give up.

"Down the Road"

2011-01-15T20:50:00.000-05:00

(Kenny Chesney and Mac McAnally)

It's been almost a week since I've posted here. Honestly, I've spent a HUGE amount of time getting my classroom blog off the ground. So far, it's a huge success! This week...there are no words. I feel like a used dish towel that's been rung (or it is wrung) out and used over and over again. The good news is I survived and learned many lessons.

1. God is really with me. I felt alone and low at times this week and whenever I reached out for help (which I'm not good at doing) it was there. That was new for me. I repeated Isaiah 41:10 to myself (suggested to me by my friend Jessica) over and over. I physically felt lighter.

Don't be afraid, for I am with you. Don't be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.

2. Believe in myself, even when others don't. Many parts of myself have been questioned lately. Personally and professionally. This has led to some introspection and questioning. I do believe that I know who I am. I like who I am.

3. This week, because of some unexpected troubles, and LOTS of work, I didn't build much of anything that I'd planned on building...this blog, running, etc. I will not punish myself for that. I am back here tonight. I will be returning to running tomorrow. I will recognize the fact that I built some mus-cles, as my dad would say. That time spent was just as valuable. I will appreciate the fact that I am doing the best I can living the life I am living.

4. Music and prayer. These two things really helped me! I've come to depend on both. Thanks to Trinity I have been obsessively listening to Sara Groves' album "Fireflies and Songs". I'm so grateful. Thanks to Kelly and Jessica, I've been reading the Bible and repeating verses of Scripture that saved me this week.

As I look down the road, I know that life holds great things for us all.

Here's my the video of my new favorite song "Setting up the Pins" by Sara Groves

"Setting Up the Pins"

2011-01-10T06:34:00.001-05:00

(Sara Groves)

Have you ever bought an album on iTunes and then not listened to it...like buying a book from a bookstore that you just have to have and then it sits in your bookshelf indefinitely...never to be opened? Then have you ever been re-introduced to "said" music by fate?

I bought Sara Groves "Fireflies and Songs" awhile ago. It was recommended because I bought Steven Curtis Chapman's "Beauty Will Rise" (which is an amazing album). I never rely listened to it-until last night. I was reading a friend's blog and she posted a video of this song. I was hooked. Inspired. It's still running through my head and I'm hoping it will be enough to get me through a very busy week.

Let it Snow, Let it Snow, Let it Snow

2011-01-07T05:37:00.000-05:00

(various artists)

It's Friday. There's some snow on the ground, but not nearly enough for every teacher's dream....snow day! Bummer. I'm grateful it's Friday. It's been a long week and I'm ready for the weekend. Not much to say today...tired, bummed out, overwhelmed.

Here's to a happy Friday!

Sound of Silence

2011-01-06T17:37:00.004-05:00

(Simone & Garfunkel)

I have a confession. Something's been bothering me for some time and I've never written about it...or even discussed it. I Don't get too excited! It's nothing earth shattering, but it's something that I deal with on almost a daily basis. Being alone. I've been single, well, forever and I've lived on my own (no roommate) for the past six years (or so). Most days I enjoy it, relish it, and savor it.

But then there are days like today. Days where I become that annoying "clingy" friend at work. The one who hangs onto people. The one who talks even though there's work to be done. The one who fills every available moment with some kind of social interaction. (By the way, I am aware that I do it, but when I feel like this, it's like I can't stop myself.) Why do I behave this way? Because I know that once work is over, I'm alone until work the next day. I come home to a silent house. I turn on television or music to fill the silence. (Ironically, the phone just rang, but it rarely does during the week.) So, it's me and my dog, Leo. What that means is sometimes I have no one to talk with from 4pm til 8am the next morning.

Silence...

Now, I do go to the gym. Run errands. Sometimes the phone does ring. I have friendly neighbors. But, I can't count on any of that. There are days where nothing fills the silence. It's tough. I wonder about my friends with kids running around, living with parents, or significant others. I did. I was engaged. There were days I longed for this silence. Now, I'd trade it in a second....no, that's not right either. Appreciate the silence.

I've begun building my evening routine. Gym. Bath. Reading a good book. Reading The Good Book. Calling a friend. Planning activities to get out of the house. Writing. Etc...

Today was one of those days where I felt the loneliness tugging at me. I felt it sitting on my shoulder laughing at me. Pushing me to be that needy, clingy, annoying friend. I'm sorry. Today I gave in. Isn't recognizing a problem the first step to solving it? I recognized it awhile ago. I think my first step is confessing it...this is my problem (well, one of them anyways.)

Stuck Like Glue

2011-01-06T05:30:00.004-05:00

(Sugarland)
I think a mark of a day well-lived is a good night sleep. Sleep has not been coming easily for me lately, until last night. I slept peacefully until my alarm sang to me at five a.m. And what a feeling that is! Especially after a workout that wasn't so great. My plan was to run. I am following the couch to 5k program. After 11minutes, I got off the treadmill. I couldn't do anymore. Here's the good part....I didn't just leave I didn't give up. I built on my beginning, i persisted and rode the bike for twenty more minutes. I ended up riding/running/walking for 31 minutes and I rode/ran/walked for 4.8 miles. It wasn't what I planned. It wasn't what I set out to do. It wasn't perfect. It was exercise. It was healthy. It is done!

My lesson for yesterday, the one that kept showing up in different ways over and over again, was build...it doesn't need to be perfect, but just keep going. This is exactly the reason why I love picking a word of the year! In my head I thought I knew where this would focus me, and already I am learning new, unexpected, and totally necessary lessons. It feels good!

Happy Thursday!

The Winner Takes It All

2011-01-05T05:32:00.003-05:00

(from "Mama Mia" soundtrack)

Ok...today's one of those days. It's a day where I feel like giving up on everything already. (It's only January 5th...this can't be good) except I am paying attention to that feeling, addressing it, and moving past it. So, here I am writing on my blog again and soon I will be packing my bag for the gym.

This isn't a particularly interesting post and I may not do a great job running today, but I am showing up. Doing it. Building. This has been such a weakness for me because in the past I've avoided instead of persisted. If I can't be great, why bother....was my old philosophy. My new philosophy is show up everyday. So here I am.

Don't Rain on my Parade

2011-01-04T04:50:00.003-05:00

(Glee soundtrack)

I did it! I did it! I did it! I ran/walked a mile and a half! I also finished my first book of 2011. The running felt great. The hardest part was packing my bag and getting there. I loved the feeling of being n the treadmill. I pushed myself. It's awesome. Im celebrating this so much becuse i want to build on it. I want to continue and have it last.

My other accomplishment...finishing my first book..I'm shooting for 111 books in 2011 AND keeping track of the books i read by building a list i can reflect upon and maybe even share with students. I read Because of Mr. Terupt by Rob Buyea. It's a story of a teacher and his impact on his students, as told by his students. It is so beautiful and touching! This is one of those stories that will stick with me. I highly recommend it.

Busy Monday...is it only Tuesday? Well, Tuesday, here i come!
Michelle

The Girl I Mean to Be

2011-01-03T06:00:00.003-05:00

(from The Secret Garden soundtrack)

Ok...I'm back! Loving being back here. It's Monday morning and the first day back to school after an interesting winter break. I see all of my teacher friends dreading the return...and while i understand, i don't really feel the same way. Going back to school makes me happy. Seeing my friends, and the kids, and even getting back to work. I'm great at beginnings, maybe that's why I like these days. It's the follow through that I sometimes struggle with...but I will work on building

on beginnings.

Happy Monday to you!

Word of the Year 2011: Build

2011-01-02T12:26:00.002-05:00

Build...

This is the third year I have chosen a word of the year to guide me throughout the next twelve months. My first word was (2009) mettle. I loved that word! It just fit! The next word (for 2010) was engage. Again this word came to me easily and it fit. This year I struggled to find just the right word. I had settled on another word...until I some BIG things happened to me...it didn't fit anymore. I consulted a friend and build seemed the best fit.

Build my relationships.
Build my faith and relationship with God.
Build my professional achievements.
Build myself.

Specifically, there are a couple of wats I plan on achieving this.
1. I want to run...run a race.
2. I want to write...here on this blog, amongst other places.
3. I want to take pictures...maybe take a photography class.
4. I want to read the bible...the whole bible this year.

So, 2011...I'm ready to build a great year!!!

"Get Over It"

2010-08-12T20:45:00.003-04:00

(Song by Eagles)

Today was one of those days. Broken glass. Shower curtain fell down. It felt like anything I touched broke...so I isolated myself. Hmmmm...good idea? I spent today crying, reading, praying, thinking, fixing, and contemplating my life. Let me take a moment to point out that I am usually a positive and upbeat person. Laughing and finding the good in people and situations are my forte. My dad taught me about being positive. He taught me through the example of his life and everyday I feel so grateful for that. Being positive makes life manageable...until you can't be positive. I think that's the misconception about happy people: that they are always happy. Nope. No one is always happy. Grammy told dad and then dad told me, when you are down or frustrated or sad...you get ONE DAY! Wallow. Cry. Be angry. Isolate. Do what you need to do. But only for ONE DAY! Even in the depths of despair, grief, anger...those words resonate with me. I carry them with me wherever I go.

Loneliness and loser-y...those were my major hurdles today. I've recently "gotten back out there" in the dating world via an online site. I have my first date on Sunday. Eh...I'm not excited. I'm not not excited...I'm just....Eh. So, I beat myself up for not being excited. What's wrong with you? You have a date! Be excited, but it's not working. Anxiety seems to be getting the best of me. But, as dad always said, "You have one day!" So tomorrow will be better. The date will happen. I'm sure it will be fine.

Today taught me to be grateful for my friends. Two called today when I needed to talk. The second phone call was from a friend who is going on the same journey (online dating) as I am. Oh, there's nothing like being heard and understood by a friend!

How To Be Alone

2010-08-08T09:18:00.000-04:00

Watch this!

"If I Had Wings"

2010-08-05T22:09:00.002-04:00

(Song by Darius Rucker)

Inspired by two fellow writer friends, I am back. I've missed writing here. Reading blogs is one of my favorite things to do...I notice that most of the blogs I read have a theme of some kind. Blogs about teaching, blogs about being an artist, blogs about reading, blogs about gratitude, blogs about TV shows...and I wonder what's my theme? No, I don't wonder. I know. There is no theme. The title of this blog lends itself to the theme of teaching. The problem with that is the "public-ness" of this kind of writing. Wanting this blog to be public...really public, so writing about teaching is limited. I guess the theme of this blog is ME.

Who am I? Ugh! Where do I begin? Thirty-eight years old. Single. Teacher. Homeowner. Friend. Daughter. Sister. Aunt. Christian. All of these labels will probably be addressed here, for anyone interested enough to read. Right now, I am searching... I like the title of the post (Remember my random selection of songs to title each post?): "If I Had Wings". In the song, Darius Rucker asks all kinds of questions. Life questions. Here's some of the second verse:
"...why I am here, and where did I come from;
and where will I go when my time here on this earth is done,
and what will I leave that will go on forever?
Oh no, and what can I do while I'm here to make someone's life better?"
I'm asking lots of those questions right now, too. Searching for the answers.

Help!!

2010-02-23T01:10:00.001-05:00

Help the National Writing Project! If you share NWP's commitment to high-quality education for all our nation's youth, I urge you to contact your legislators to ensure that vital support is maintained for the NWP. Find out more: http://nwpworks.ning.com/page/join-the-effort

"Headed for the Future"

2009-12-31T16:09:00.005-05:00

Song title sung by: Neil Diamond

Today is the final day of 2009.

Tonight, I will cook dinner for myself and a friend who is going through a tough time right now. Comfort food, comfy clothes, and "Glee" will make us happy while we create vision boards for 2010. I've also chosen my Word of the Year: engage.

In 2009, my word was mettle. I felt like the word gave me strength when I needed it. I felt tougher. There were some big "fights" that I was able to mettle my way through this past year. I've never felt stronger.

As the year was coming to an end, I couldn't decide on my 2010 word. I went through so many choices. Authenticity, gratitude, faith, belief, and even a German word: selig. There are still moments when this word, engage, scares me. But, that tells me that I've made the right decision. Why engage? Well, there are many reasons. First of all, I have a tendency to hide away from life sometimes. I get spooked and retreat to a safe place. I need to take more risks. I need to engage with the world around me. Dictionary.com gives many definitions of engage:

–verb (used with object)

1. to occupy the attention or efforts of (a person or persons): He engaged her in conversation.

2. to secure for aid, employment, use, etc.; hire: to engage a worker; to engage a room.

3. to attract and hold fast: The novel engaged her attention and interest.

4. to attract or please: His good nature engages everyone.

5. to bind, as by pledge, promise, contract, or oath; make liable: He engaged himself to repay his debt within a month.

6. to betroth (usually used in the passive): They were engaged last week.

7. to bring (troops) into conflict; enter into conflict with: Our army engaged the enemy.

8. Mechanics. to cause (gears or the like) to become interlocked; interlock with.

9. to attach or secure.

10. Obsolete. to entangle or involve.

–verb (used without object)

11. to occupy oneself; become involved: to engage in business or politics.

12. to take employment: She engaged in her mother's business.

13. to pledge one's word; assume an obligation: I was unwilling to engage on such terms.

14. to cross weapons; enter into conflict: The armies engaged early in the morning.

15. Mechanics. (of gears or the like) to interlock.

My hope for my word of the year is that it will motivate me to act instead of hide, to attract instead of repel. My hope is that once again a single word will change my life. I received my ring engraved with my word today from http://www.etsy.com/shop/purplemoongifts . Here is a picture of it (sorry, it's a bit blurry.) In 2010, I will engage with the world around me.

Happy New Year to you and your family!

Count My Blessings

2009-11-08T14:11:00.003-05:00

(Song by Curtis Stigers)

OK...I said I'd try and post everyday. Oops! How about every week? I have written over 3,000 for NaNoWriMo. I've "reset" my personal goal to 12,000. I've also started a blog for my students at school. It's very exciting! Students are writing for REAL audiences. LOVE it!

Other than that, life is going well. Nothing exciting to report. Happy and healthy! Enjoy each day with all of my blessings!

You Can Do Anything

2009-11-01T16:03:00.002-05:00

(Song by Carole King)

Today I am starting NaNoWritMo! My goal is 50,000. That means 1,667 words a day need to be written by ME. Yikes! Scary...hard...but NOT impossible. Doing this with students and fellow teachers helps keep me on track.

I've missed writing here. School, life...there are so many excuses, but no real reasons. So, I'm back. Along with writing everyday for NaNoWriMo, I'll try to post something here everyday!

I'm back!

Wherever You Are

2009-09-25T20:00:00.003-04:00

(song by Mary Chapin Carpenter)

Good evening,

It's eight pm on Friday night and I am in bed with my laptop and my dog. What's wrong with this picture? This week has been filled with immense joys...beginnings and endings, both personally and professionally. Once again, as I sit and reflect upon the events...I do so alone. Tonight I feel the loneliness in my pores, in my eyelashes, in every breath. It hurts in my chest and as I cry and wonder and really feel the alone-ness, I wonder why. Why am I alone? What's wrong with me? I question and then I get frustrated, no I get angry...IT'S NOT FAIR! I'm a good person with so much love to give, yet I'm alone. Alone and surrounded with marriage and babies and everything that goes with it. I know that those things aren't a magic elixir. But I'm so ready to trade in the single problems for the married problems and the mommy problems. For tonight I wonder what I did in some past life to deserve to be alone for so long. It sucks! I feel pathetic and desperate and just plain old bad.

There's no answer. I remember advice a friend once gave me, "It won't always be like this." Well, I'm ready for it to change.

I am grateful for this blog. Grateful to be able to put this out there in the universe.

I'm a Believer

2009-09-21T18:16:00.003-04:00

It's been over a month since I've written. The beginning of the school year always seems to take over my whole life. Now that we are into the third week of school, I am able to take a moment and write. But I don't want to write about school.

I believe it's entirely possible that, tonight, I have witnessed a true miracle. I feel grateful, confused, scared, and speechless simultaneously. Without going into details, this is a life changing event that happened to someone I love very much. I'm having a hard time believing that this miracle has happened, yet it exists. Grateful...that's what I'm trying to be. Grateful.

I always thought if something miraculous happened to me or someone I loved, I'd be overjoyed and excited. It never occurred to me that I'd also be scared and confused and unsure if I can believe. I think it's so easy to say that we believe in miracles, but the act of believing in this cynical world can be harder than it seems. Tonight, the impossible became possible. I'm a believer!

Big Girls Don't Cry

2009-08-15T21:59:00.003-04:00

(Sung by Fergie...I admit, tonight this is not a random choice of song.)

Ah Saturday night, I had nothing planned. Just finished painting my kitchen (classic berry and lovely, may I add), and my plans consisted of straightening up and watching DVRed programs on television. My prospects brightened when an old friend emailed, "Dinner and drinks" at a local favorite. Yay! This friend always makes me laugh and it's a guarantee of a fun night when we get together. I wasn't sure how many would attend this impromptu gathering, but getting out felt good. Turns out there were only three of us, although to listen to us, we sounded as loud as a gaggle of geese! Giggling and harumphing at each other's stories and tales of whatever. Somehow we kept returning to the topic of reunions. Mine (high school) is this November. My friend had her reunion a couple of years ago. She was telling story after story about people she didn't remember and silly mistakes people were making about her. Also about how it felt to go to a reunion alone and the stupid things people say when you are alone: "Are you married? Engaged? Dating?" No. "Why not?" DUMB QUESTION...she was saying she wanted to respond, "Because I'm a loser!?! I don't know why." Hahahaha, the laughter continued...until she said, "I brought my camera and only took pictures of the people who got fat." There was a barely noticeable hesitation in her story, but she continued. She showed the pictures to her family and they laughed about who "got fat".

She took pictures of the people who got fat and ONLY those people and LAUGHED at them.

She told me this. Guess what? I'm fat. Oh, you can call it heavy, chubby, overweight...whatever you call it...it's me. I don't like it. I'm trying to lose weight. Trying and failing. Wishing I was thin. I don't know anyone who likes to be overweight. I feel bad, physically and emotionally. The weight came on when my dad got sick and passed away. It's not an excuse, but it is a reason. Weight has protected me. It shielded me from life and pain. No one looks at me when I'm fat. People leave me alone and look away. Unfortunately, it takes awhile to get rid of it. I will. I know I will. I work so hard to believe that I am beautiful at any weight (although I don't think I fully accept myself now, at this weight.) But now I wonder, this November at the high school reunion, who will be taking pictures of me and laughing at the fat girl?

And now I'm wondering...do I really want to go?

from NPR: 100 Best Beach Books Ever

2009-08-09T06:28:00.004-04:00

The audience of NPR voted on the top 100 Best Beach Books Ever. I'm impressed that I've read so many. Interesting list...take a look.

1. The Harry Potter series, by J.K. Rowling
2. To Kill a Mockingbird, by Harper Lee
3. The Kite Runner, by Khaled Hosseini
4. Bridget Jones's Diary, by Helen Fielding
5. Pride and Prejudice, by Jane Austen
6. Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood, by Rebecca Wells
7. The Great Gatsby, by F. Scott Fitzgerald
8. The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, by Douglas Adams
9. Fried Green Tomatoes at the Whistle Stop Cafe, by Fannie Flagg
10. The Poisonwood Bible, by Barbara Kingsolver
11. The Time Traveler's Wife, by Audrey Niffenegger
12. Life of Pi, by Yann Martel
13. The Joy Luck Club, by Amy Tan

14. The Hobbit, by J.R.R. Tolkien
15. The Catcher in the Rye, by J.D. Salinger
16. Gone with the Wind, by Margaret Mitchell
17. Bel Canto, by Ann Patchett
18. The Lord of the Rings, by J.R.R. Tolkien
19. Middlesex, by Jeffrey Eugenides
20. Water for Elephants, by Sara Gruen
21. The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, by Mark Twain
22. The Bean Trees, by Barbara Kingsolver
23. The No. 1 Ladies' Detective Agency, by Alexander McCall Smith
24. The World According to Garp, by John Irving
25. Catch-22, by Joseph Heller
26. The Prince of Tides, by Pat Conroy
27. Like Water for Chocolate, by Laura Esquivel
28. The Princess Bride, by William Goldman
29. The Accidental Tourist, by Anne Tyler
30. Twilight, by Stephenie Meyer
31. A Confederacy of Dunces, by John Kennedy Toole
32. East of Eden, by John Steinbeck
33. The Red Tent, by Anita Diamant
34. Beach Music, by Pat Conroy
35. One Hundred Years of Solitude, by Gabriel Garcia Marquez
36. Rebecca, by Daphne Du Maurier
37. Ender's Game, by Orson Scott Card
38. Lonesome Dove, by Larry McMurtry
39. The Thorn Birds, by Colleen McCullough
40. The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier & Clay, by Michael Chabon
41. Pillars of the Earth, by Ken Follett
42. Anna Karenina, by Leo Tolstoy
43. Interview with the Vampire, by Anne Rice
44. Cold Mountain, by Charles Frazier
45. Empire Falls, by Richard Russo
46. Under the Tuscan Sun, by Frances Mayes
47. The Count of Monte Cristo, by Alexandre Dumas
48. Even Cowgirls Get the Blues, by Tom Robbins
49. I Know This Much Is True, by Wally Lamb
50. Murder on the Orient Express, by Agatha Christie

51. Little Women, by Louisa May Alcott
52. The Stand, by Stephen King
53. She's Come Undone, by Wally Lamb
54. Dune, by Frank Herbert
55. The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society, by Mary Ann Shaffer and Annie Barrows
56. Love in the Time of Cholera, by Gabriel Garcia Marquez
57. Alice's Adventures in Wonderland, by Lewis Carroll
58. Lolita, by Vladimir Nabokov
59. The Godfather, by Mario Puzo
60. A Tree Grows in Brooklyn, by Betty Smith

61. Animal Dreams, by Barbara Kingsolver
62. Jaws, by Peter Benchley
63. Good in Bed, by Jennifer Weiner
64. Angle of Repose, by Wallace Stegner
65. Snow Falling on Cedars, by David Guterson
66. The Old Man and the Sea, by Ernest Hemingway
67. The Fountainhead, by Ayn Rand
68. Breakfast of Champions, by Kurt Vonnegut
69. Cat's Cradle, by Kurt Vonnegut
70. The Big Sleep, by Raymond Chandler
71. The Sun Also Rises, by Ernest Hemingway
72. The Hunt for Red October, by Tom Clancy
73. Cold Sassy Tree, by Olive Ann Burns
74. The Lord of the Flies, by William Golding
74. Bonfire of the Vanities, by Tom Wolfe [tie]
76. Wuthering Heights, by Emily Bronte
77. Outlander, by Diana Gabaldon
78. The Shell Seekers, by Rosamunde Pilcher
79. Prodigal Summer, by Barbara Kingsolver
80. Eye of the Needle, by Ken Follett
81. Cannery Row, by John Steinbeck
81. The Pilot's Wife, by Anita Shreve [tie]
83. All the Pretty Horses, by Cormac McCarthy
84. The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, by Stieg Larsson
85. The Little Prince, by Antoine De Saint-Exupery
86. The Road, by Cormac McCarthy
87. One for the Money, by Janet Evanovich
88. Shogun, by James Clavell
89. Dracula, by Bram Stoker
90. The Unbearable Lightness of Being, by Milan Kundera
91. Presumed Innocent, by Scott Turow
92. Franny and Zooey, by J.D. Salinger
93. The Secret History, by Donna Tartt
94. Dead Until Dark, by Charlaine Harris
95. Summer Sisters, by Judy Blume
96. The Shining, by Stephen King
97. How Stella Got Her Groove Back, by Terry McMillan
98. Lamb, by Christopher Moore
99. Sick Puppy, by Carl Hiaasen
100. Treasure Island, by Robert Louis Stevenson

Down to the River to Pray

2009-08-03T07:36:00.004-04:00

(Alison Krauss)

I love that this song came up on shuffle, because last night I went to church! Love the serendipity. Going to church for some may be an ordinary part of the weekly routine, but not me. I am Catholic. Born and raised...and forever will I be Catholic. Often, I struggle with parts of the church and have been called by some friends a Cafeteria Catholic (which means I pick and choose which parts I believe in and follow). Spiritual seems to be the accepted word lately: "I'm not religious, I'm spiritual." In my life, religion has taken a back seat behind, well everything else. Why is that? I want something more. I need something more.

Every once in awhile I get a hankering to go someplace I've never been before- go exploring. It's one of my favorite things to do. I'd heard of this beautiful church about thirty miles away. "Why not?" I thought. The drive over the mountain was a spiritual experience by itself, with it's awe inspiring beauty. When I saw the church, I got that "I did it" feeling! (Finding a new place is exciting as I am TERRIBLE at directions.) My timing was early, very early so I timidly sat in my car for a bit. When I emerged, nervous, I approached the giant wooden doors and opened them I saw a church; like any other church. There were two ushers opening the glass doors into the church. I found a seat on the edge of a pew. Kneeling, I prayed and for a moment I was overcome with emotion. Fear, anxiety, hope, love...I didn't know what to do, so I sat and wrote. The mass began. A simple organ tune for the entrance. No singing. I was disappointed. Mass was the same. So far, I wasn't sure why I came...until Father Brian began to speak. His sermon...there are no words. First of all, he spoke to us (the congregation) like people. He told us of his own life and experiences. He made jokes. He even used his microphone and spoke in a deep "God voice" and said, "This is your sign." He said his boss told him to pass along the message. Hahaha! What Catholic priest does that? Father Brian does. I laughed. He kept repeating a phrase, "Stop pretending to be Catholic and be Catholic." I feel all shook up inside like a snowglobe. My life was going along fine, on the surface, and now he made me think and question and wonder. That's was church is supposed to do! Now, I'm left with all of these feelings and I don't know what to do except...return to church. Look for answers.

Some random knowledge about me..

2009-08-01T18:21:00.002-04:00

Borrowed today’s blog concept from Lisa at Knitting Yarns.

1. ONE OF YOUR SCARS, HOW DID YOU GET IT? on my right knee there is a raised bump from butterfly stitches when I jumped off a curb when I was little.

2. WHAT IS ON THE WALLS IN YOUR ROOM? newly painted Chesapeake Sunset paint. Getting ready to hang mirror and pictures.

3. DO YOU SNORE, GRIND YOUR TEETH, OR TALK IN YOUR SLEEP? Nopw

4. WHAT TYPE OF MUSIC DO YOU LISTEN TO? Country music is my favorite.

5. DO YOU GET SCARED IN THE DARK? Not usually.

6. COFFEE OR ENERGY DRINK? Coffee...MY coffee.

7. FAVORITE QUOTE? “Don't say you don't have enough time. You have exactly the same number of hours per day that were given to Helen Keller, Pasteur, Michaelangelo, Mother Teresa, Leonardo da Vinci, Thomas Jefferson, and Albert Einstein.”
-H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

8. FAVORITE PLACE? sandy beaches

9. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? depends upon my mood

10. MASHED POTATOES OR MACARONI AND CHEESE? Mashed potatoes...ALWAYS mashed potatoes

11. REPUBLICAN OR DEMOCRAT? dem

12. KISSES OR HUGS? kisses AND hugs

13. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING? Fablehaven by Brandon Mull and Holding On to Good Ideas in a Time of Bad Ones: Six Literacy Principles Worth Fighting For by Thomas Newkirk

Friday 5

2009-07-31T09:12:00.002-04:00

This week’s 5 is inspired by the party game called Taboo, in which players must make their teammates utter key words by giving them clues. The twist is that each key word is assigned five Taboo words, and players are forbidden from using the Taboo words in their clues. For example, one key word might be milk, and its Taboo words might be dairy, cow, drink, white, and carton. Your clue might be something like, “It’s a beverage from Bessie,” or “You add it to coffee,” or “The land of BLANK and honey,” or “It comes out of breasts.”

Your task is simply to answer these five questions without using any of the Taboo words or phrases. Challenge yourself not just to avoid using the words, but to think of fresh, new answers to these sort of cliched meme questions!

Who’s making a positive difference in your life? Me. People who love me!
Taboo words: friends, family, husband/wife/spouse, boyfriend/girlfriend.
Where would you like to be right now? at the beach walking my the ocean with the sun shining.
Taboo words: home, bed, anywhere but here.
What’s the first thing you’d do with a $5,000 (or your local equivalent) gift? Use it wisely
Taboo words: save, debt, vacation, payments, invest.
What super-power would you really like to have? mind reading and the ability to persuade people
Taboo words: invisibility, x-ray vision, flying, strength, transform.
What’s your favorite sound? singing, my nephew, not to mention peaceful quiet
Taboo words: laughter, music, ocean, wind, ____’s voice.

The Reason

2009-07-30T21:22:00.005-04:00

(Carole King)

Do you ever sit back and look at your life? Is it what you imagined it would be? No judgment, but does it look like what you thought it would look like? Mine is not! What do you do with the expectations that haven't been met?

I remember being a little girl, somewhere around seven or maybe eight years old and talking to my dad about expectations. Well, he was talking to me. I'd get myself all worked up, usually around Christmas or my birthday, about all of the excitement. That would typically turn into disappointment. Nothing ever lived up to my lofty expectations. He started,way back then, to talk to me about the bigger picture. He taught me how to have an open mind and expect the unexpected...and to be grateful. That way, I'd be surprised and certainly NOT disappointed. My expectations used to limit me. If things didn't go exactly as I wanted (even if they were better), I would be disappointed because I didn't get what I wanted.

Who knew that I would use that life lesson at thirty-seven years old? The picture I had in my head of me at this age included a husband, children, and being surrounded by family. None of those things are true. I am single, live over four hundred miles away from the closest family, and I have a dog. There are times when this makes me sad. I feel like I've failed...at the most basic thing: having a family. But, thank God for the lesson my dad taught me. I am grateful for so much in my life: I own my own home (and I did that by myself)!! I have a life filled with friends that love and take care of me. I adopted an abused dog and he has grown and changed so much over the past five years. I LOVE my job and it has taken me further than I ever thought possible. Who would have ever thought that I would teach middle school? I have taught a graduate class at a great university and I continue to further my professional development by applying for my national board certification.

Once upon a time, (ten years ago) I was engaged. That life would have provided the picture that I expected, but I wasn't happy. Still I dream of family, children, love...but just like dad used to tell me, I am so grateful for my life today!

For a little while

2009-07-27T22:50:00.004-04:00

OK...let me begin by explaining the title of my post. It's a song title. (This one is by Tim McGraw- one of my favorites!) My plan is to use the song that comes up on my iPod next (using the random shuffle). This will serve two purposes (maybe three...): one- I don't have to think of a clever title; two- you can learn some of my favorite music; and three- (perhaps my favorite reason why) I will think of a way to tie the song title (or lyrics) into my blog topic. Let's see how this works.

For a little while encompasses my philosophy of life. "It won't always feel like this." This is what my friend used to tell me. All things seem to be For a little while. Feelings of loss or hopelessness, or elation and perfection are transitory. That's ok. It's a constant I've come to depend on. Forever has never seemed real to me.

Yet, having admitted that, lately I see that forever does exist. It's all in perspective. Family is forever. Faith is forever. Friends (certain ones) are forever. Forever doesn't mean the same. Forever and same are NOT synonyms. That's what I need to remember. Friends may move, family members may die...but they will forever be a part of who I am and who I've become.

This leaves me to believe For a little while will last forever.

The Best is Yet to Come

2009-07-27T20:15:00.003-04:00

It's been almost a year since I've blogged, but here I am on a Monday evening...beginning again. Inspired by another friend who recently began to blog again, I thought, "I can do that too." So here I am...wondering what I have to say. What is mine to contribute to the world of blogging? or to the world, period?

Tonight, I'll start with a poem. I wrote this a year ago (actually two). This came out of a conversation with friends about love. Everyone always asks us single girls, "What are you looking for?" Here's my answer:

My list

Who are you?

Strong hands,
Taller than me,
Sparkling mischievous eyes,
Contagious laugh,
Soft lips…

Please & thank-you,
Tell me about your day,
Guess what?
I’ve always dreamed of…

Talk and talk and talk

Intertwining fingers,
Kneeling to pray,
Calmly breathing close to me,
Awakening my spirit…

Nickname giver,
Walker of dog,
Problem solver (not mine, his),
Concert & theatergoer,
Hand holder…

Fenway native
TiVo expert
Grill chef

Where are you?

I know you

.

What's ironic is I met him...or someone who I thought could be him. He fit (almost) all of these qualifications. I thought I found him, but I was wrong. Disappointed? Yes. But look at it this way, the best is yet to come!

Ch...ch...ch...changes!

2008-09-06T15:29:00.004-04:00

Ugh! Am I the only one who feels like this? I want to be happy. There have been so many changes in my life lately.Exciting changes, scary changes...life, you know? I work hard to make good choices to make me happy. Why does it seem like everything is backfiring? I feel alone, and today I feel like I'm a failure. Intellectually I know it's not true, but it's how I feel. My bedroom is filling up with water, as I write this blog. It won't be addressed until Monday. Work is a lonely place. I feel like I do not belong, a lot of the time. Right now, I don't feel good, either. When will things improve? I'm looking forward to life changing for the better.

Out of Control

2008-09-06T13:35:00.004-04:00

Rain....Hanna...Drip, drip, drip, drip...now, pouring into my bedroom. I hate feeling out of control. The rain is literally pouring into my bedroom. There is NOTHING I can do about it. All I wanted to do today was to have a quiet rainy day, reading and watching Tivo. Instead I'm freaking out because my bedroom is turning into a lake. The furniture is about to get soaked. There is NOTHING I can do about it.

Breathe. Relax. The builder will fix it on Monday. I will make sure. Why ruin any more of my weekend? OK. I've decided to let go. (OK, I'm trying.) Hope you are staying out of the rain.

Ch Ch Ch Change...

2008-08-25T17:45:00.003-04:00

I made a decision to transfer schools this year. I've been at my previous school for almost ten years, but it became an unhealthy place for me professionally. Last spring, I interviewed and got the job. I shared the news with my colleagues and all was good. The reality has set in and it's harder than I thought it'd be.

Going back to work in August has always been very social for me. Catching up with old friends and checking in with each other. Commiserating, giggling, and hugging were integral parts of back to school. This year it's different. No one (practically) knows me. Being middle school, it's a different environment than the touchy-feely elementary teachers....I feel isolated. No one invites me to lunch. I've eaten alone three times in five days.

Of course, being single compounds this feeling of lonliness. When I get home, it's me and my dog. It won't always be like this. I know. It's hard. I've NEVER been a woman who's afraid to be alone. I understand that feeling for the first time.

Last Day of Freedom...kinda

2008-08-19T20:20:00.006-04:00

Tomorrow, it's official. I begin my job as a sixth grade teacher. Butterflies have taken over my stomach and my throat and my head....excitement, nerves, I feel alive. It's what I wanted. I have to keep reminding myself of that. Yesterday, it occurred to me (for the first time since I took my new job) that I won't see my friends everyday. Being single, work is a social place for me. YIKES! It's the same feeling I had on the first day of fourth grade, when I was beginning a new school. "Will anyone like me?" I can't believe at 36, I still wonder about that. Anyway, I decided to procrastinate and forget about what's ahead. Happy Chyck Wonders challenged with this One Word Answer. Here goes:

Simply answer each prompt with only one word.

Some claim that one word is harder than it looks, but if I can limit my answers, anyone can do this!

1. Where is your cell phone? downstairs

2. Where is your significant other? ?

3. Your hair color? black

4. Your mother? cute

5. Your father? positive

6. Your favorite thing? journal

8. Your dream/goal? content-ness

9. The room you’re in? bed

10. Your hobby? writing

11. Your fear? birds

12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? happy

13. Where were you last night? out

14. What you’re not? liar

15. One of your wish-list items?

16. Where you grew up? Springfield

17. The last thing you did? laundry

18. What are you wearing? pajamas

19. Your TV? new

20. Your pet? Leo

21. Your computer? addicted

22. Your mood? alive

23. Missing someone? Dad

24. Your car? sporty

25. Something you’re not wearing? shoes

26. Favorite store? book

27. Your summer? perfect

28. Love someone? Zoe

29. Your favorite color? yellow

30. When is the last time you laughed? today

31. Last time you cried? tonight

32. Who do you want to tag? anyone

Yes! Anyone! If you are still enjoying your summer, take the time to waste a little time!

Control...Happiness

2008-07-06T12:24:00.005-04:00

I've been thinking a lot about control. Controlling my emotions, my eating, my exercise...who really has control? I took back control Thursday. Allowing myself to to make mistakes and be human...I feel happy. Happy that I am learning to love myself. Love who I am and what I can do. What a novel concept...I am regularly amazed at how I may still learn SIMPLE concepts. Exercise should be enjoyable and life affirming. Making a mistake is no reason to sabotage an entire day of hard work. Setting small goals will get me there. Appreciate people for who they are. Mostly I am learning to enjoy the journey.

Time to nap. (Learning to love those too.)

Happy Father's Day

2008-06-14T07:19:00.002-04:00

Life Lesson

2008-05-18T19:51:00.003-04:00

Today I heard from a friend that, our friendship was over. I'm sorry to say that this is not the first friendship to end so abruptly. Sad. All I can think is what life lesson will emerge from this friendship? What have I learned? Thinking...

YIKES!

2008-04-23T09:53:00.002-04:00

Ugh! I don't know where to start...let me warn any possible readers that this will be some serious verbal diarrhea...I am sitting alone in my classroom and it's hot and sweaty and I am MISERABLE. I feel like I don't want anyone around me...I feel like I am completely alone...it's like a panic attack. Dad's gone. Every one's moving on with life...right now I am FROZEN. If I could run out of this building right now I would. I just want to escape. People are annoying me. Just going about their daily business and I want to SCREAM look at me!!! I Hate this!!! (I'm not sure exactly what this is.) I am disappointed because colleagues are getting new jobs and interviews and I WANT TO LEAVE. This became crystal clear to me today.

I've outgrown this.

Well...eight minutes until the kids are back. Luckily I still like all of them!!!

Breathe...breathe....(just reminding myself)

National Poetry Month

2008-04-18T05:35:00.003-04:00

This week we've been writing poetry in class to celebrate National Poetry Month. I teach two classes and all year one of these classes has challenged me every step of the way. Yesterday I taught a lesson to reluctant poetry writers. WOW! They wrote poetry. It was one of those moments....one of those days...

Our Thursdays end with the whole school writing for fifteen minutes of writing. In those fifteen minutes, I wrote a poem inspired by these students. I'll post it tomorrow!

One more day til the weekend...enjoy Friday.

A New Me

2008-04-13T08:35:00.003-04:00

OK...it's been such a long time since I've posted here. Life gets so busy. So many people and responsibilities pulling me in every imaginable way. It's only 8:30 am and today I've made a decision. A decision to change my body, my nutrition, and my exercise...for so long I've hidden behind the pounds. It's safer. No one will look at me because of all of the extra padding. Safer. My heart hurts so much from my loss this year, that I needed to protect it. Every day I get stronger and want to be myself again. I'm tired of hiding. My goals include being kind to myself, being patient, moving more, and eating less. One day at a time, I will change my life...

20 Questions

2008-03-29T07:27:00.004-04:00

20 questions happens to be my very favorite game.

What is your superpower?

– I have the ability to disappear whenever I choose.

Who are you most like in life?

– I am most like my dad. Outgoing, positive, and hard working! Dad taught me to love life and enjoy every moment.

Do people ever tell you you look like a celebrity?

– I think I have one of those faces that looks familiar. I have been recognized all over the world. One person (long ago) told me I looked like Carrie Fisher. (I don't see it.)

What are your views on weddings?

– NOT for me. I planned a wedding (but canceled before the event). Not worth the money or stress. I want a beach and a sunset, or a quaint chapel in the woods...small, quiet and peaceful!

What was the last book you read?

– I am really into Paulo Coelho.
By the River Piedra I Sat Down and Wept: A Novel of Forgiveness (P.S.)
By the River Piedra I Sat Down and Wept: A Novel of Forgiveness is what I am currently reading. It is phenomenal!

Who is your hero?

– My mom and dad are my heroes. The older I get, the more I appreciate what they did for me and my sister. I feel lucky to have them as my parents!

What are five songs that would be on the soundtrack of your life?

– Anyway by Martina McBride.
– The Impossibles, Joe Nichols.
– Always on Your Side, Sheryl Crow & Sting.
– Strength, Courage, and Wisdom by India.Arie
– Taking Chances by Celine Dion

Have you ever been burned?

– Never badly.

What is your worst habit?

– Fidgeting and being too hard on myself.

What is the best lesson your parents taught you?

–Learn to take care of yourself!

What are three things that hang on your walls?

–I JUST moved...nothing yet. I will have plenty of family pictures.

Who do you think will actually WIN the presidency? Will it be the right choice?

–I believe Obama has a very good chance at winning. He has my vote.

Is your bed made right now?

–No. I'm IN bed right now.

Where would you like to wake up in the morning if you could be anywhere?

– Martha's Vineyard in August.

Do you do anything creative?

– I write.

What would you like to be doing in five years if there were no limits to who you could be?

– Married and pregnant. Working at my own Writing Center. Publishing my writing.

Why Craigslist?

– Why not?

What is really the greatest thing about meeting someone new?

– What it teaches you about the world, yourself, and the possibility it opens.

If you didn’t have to work, would you?

– Write, travel, open my own business, discover life.

What are you doing to make less of an impact on the earth?

– Who wants to make less? Don't you want to make MORE impact?? (I get it. I recycle.)

Hope you all enjoyed and I look forward to your 20 answers ;)

Drowning...almost

2008-03-06T20:07:00.003-05:00

I bought a home and survived the one year anniversary of my dad's passing. Home free! Things will be getting better. Wrong! Frustrated. Uneasy. Weepy. I'm fighting all of these feelings while I feel like I am drowning in them. The harder I fight, the more I lose. I don't understand, until I let go.

Letting go feels so good. I feel free, safe, and happy. Why does it take so long for me to remember? Why do I fight for so long? Is the struggle really necessary? OK, what lessons will I learn from these couple of weeks. Patience? Growth? Will I be motivated to move on (career wise)?

Almost drowning...means surviving. That's what I'm doing! SURVIVING!!!

I did it!

2008-02-26T05:52:00.002-05:00

I bought my first home...all by myself. Sitting here in my dining room I can hardly believe that I am here. The process of buying a home was overwhelming and exhausting! Luckily, I was surrounded by wonderful people from the man who showed me the home, to the loan officer, the bank tellers, even the builder...all treated me well and were very helpful. I know, from my friends, that's not always the case!

Back to real life today. Work. Clean out my old apartment, change the mail, and return the cable box. Yuck!!!

Time to walk the dog. Have a good day!

Thrusday Thirteen on Friday

2008-02-22T06:32:00.004-05:00

Thirteen Books About Where I’m From

Make Way for Ducklings by Robert McKloskey
The House of Seven Gables by Nathaniel Hawthorne
Poems of Emily Dickinson
Mystic River by Dennis Lehane
A Civil Action by Jonathan Harr
Selling the Lite of Heaven by Suzanne Strempek Shea
Among Schoolchlildren by Tracy Kidder
The Inn at Lake Devine by Elinor Lipman
The Weight of Water by Anita Shreve
Running with Scissors by Augusten Burroughs
Owl Moon by Jane Yolen
Walter the Baker by Eric Carle
Faithful by Stephen King

Happy Valentine's Day, Dad!

2008-02-14T05:46:00.005-05:00

Good Morning...today is a day for reflection. Valentine's Day always revolved around boyfriends or secret admirers or the possibility of such romantic love. Not today. Today Valentine's Day is a day of to remember. My Dad. Last year on Valentine's Day, he called me (as he always did). Ever since I was a little girl, I was his valentine. He'd send me goofy cards when I was away at college, or flowers sometimes. He always remembered. Today, I remember him. Today was the last day that I spoke with him before he died. I can't believe it's been a year. I've already survived Thanksgiving, Christmas, birthdays, and my sister's wedding without him. I'll get through this, too. But, I want to make sure and stop today and say:

"Happy Valentine's Day, Dad! I love you this much!"

Friday Fill-Ins

2008-02-01T05:54:00.000-05:00

#57

1. Once I was hopeless, scared, and unsure...until I took the first step.
2. Laying in bed, slurping chicken soup, and sleeping all day is being sick.
3. Today at work I will have a day of while at work.
4. What's blogging all about?
5. If I make a mistake I cringe, hide, and then desperately work to fix it.
6. When I woke up this morning, I thought SNOW DAY?!?!
7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to jewelry party, tomorrow my plans include BUNCO and Sunday, I want to sleep!!!!

Friday Fill-Ins

2008-01-25T05:17:00.000-05:00

1. Writing makes me happy.
2. I would like new and exciting things in my life, please.
3. Peppermint ice cream tastes SO good!
4. Saturday is my favorite day of the week because it's my ME day.
5. My smile is my best feature.
6. We could learn so much from puppies.
7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to quiet time, tomorrow my plans include lunch with S and Sunday, I will have brunch with K!

Survey about me

2008-01-23T18:53:00.000-05:00

Name one person who made you laugh last night? Leo

What were you doing at 8:00? Talking on the phone

What were you doing 30 minutes ago? Eating dinner.

What happened to you in 2006? It seems like a lifetime ago.

What was the last thing you said out loud? Mmmmmm

How many beverages did you have today? 2 cups of coffee, 2 sodas, 4 glasses of iced tea

What color is your hairbrush? black

What was the last thing you paid for? diner

Where were you last night? at a friend's house for a birthday dinner

What color is your front door? green

Where do you keep your change? all over the place

What’s the weather like today? blue skies and sunny...cold

What’s the best ice-cream flavor? Chocolate marshmallow or cake batter

Do you want to cut your hair? Just cut it.

Are you over the age of 25? yup!!

Do you talk a lot? hmmm, oh I think the safe answer would be yes

Do you know anyone named Steven? acquaintances

Do you make up your own words? Always

Are you a jealous person? Have been

Who’s the first person on your received call list? Mom

What does the last text message you received say? Thank you for paying your phone bill

Do you chew on your straw? never

Do you have curly hair? Yes

Where’s the next place you’re going to? to walk the dog and then to yoga class

Who’s the rudest person in your life? upstairs neighbors with obnoxious dogs

What was the last thing you ate? mashed potatoes

Will you get married in the future? I hope so!

What’s the best movie you’ve seen in the past 2 weeks? Haven't seen a movie in 2 weeks

Is there anyone you like right now? not really

When was the last time you did the dishes? this morning

Are you currently depressed? nope!

Did you cry today? a bit this morning

Why did you answer and post this? Why do I do anything...

Life Changing

2008-01-22T05:42:00.000-05:00

No matter how much resistance we put up, life goes ahead and changes itself anyway. Weddings, babies, moving, new jobs...all signify the power of life's changing force. I don't know what this means other than I'm in the midst of changing. That proverbial fork in the road is ahead and approaching closer with each moment, and I am frozen. Searching. Grasping onto my faith that I will know which choice is the right one. Now, I know change is searching me out. I am jumping up and down flailing my arms. "Here I am!!" Except we can't seem to find each other, so here I sit. Believing that change will come. Believing that my friend, Kathy, is right when she says, "It won't always be like this." So, this is my message to change: I'm ready. Bring it on!

Happy Birthday to me.

What color is your brain?

2007-12-07T05:37:00.000-05:00

Your Brain is Purple

Of all the brain types, yours is the most idealistic.

You tend to think wild, amazing thoughts. Your dreams and fantasies are intense.

Your thoughts are creative, inventive, and without boundaries.

You tend to spend a lot of time thinking of fictional people and places - or a very different life for yourself.

What Color Is Your Brain?

Friday Fill-In #49

2007-12-07T05:26:00.000-05:00

1. I anticipate a different Christmas.
2. Red, blue, yellow, green, purple are my favorite colors for the Christmas tree lights.
3. The candles in the window have white bulbs.
4. Home for the Holidays is one of my most favorite Christmas movies.
5. My favorite Christmas lyric(s) is/are O Holy Night.
6. I'm dreaming of a white Christmas surrounded by family and friends.
7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to drinks with friends, tomorrow my plans include Christmas shopping and Sunday, I want to decorate my home for Christmas!

Friday Fill-Ins on Sunday!

2007-12-02T19:35:00.000-05:00

1. When my blog is broken, the focus quickly turns from writing to fixing.
2. I saw the most amazing blades of grass this morning!
3. P.S. I Love You is the new movie I'm most looking forward to seeing.
4. Work: Necessary and Fulfilling.
5. Of all the new tv shows, I enjoy Life the most.
6. If only Dad were still here.
7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to cooking, tomorrow my plans include a holiday party and Sunday, I am going to the ballet to see the Nutcracker!

Walking...

2007-11-30T05:17:00.000-05:00

The first walk that comes to mind is a treacherous trek through a New England blizzard. The whipping wind took my breath away. I hold the strong hand of my father trusting he will always take care of me. A few years later, Dad and I walked again through the neighborhood streets after school and work. We'd talk and laugh. These walks helped him quit smoking. They were my favorite time of day.

Today, my Dad is gone. I walk alone. He is always at my side.

(Thanks for the opportunity to reminisce about these walks!)

Michelle

P.S. Happy Birthday Dad.

Rainy Mondays

2007-11-12T05:48:00.000-05:00

What an icky way to begin the day! I am not looking forward to school today. Practicing for the writing SOL. So, I have to wait and sit while my students write. I don't get to teach. After school I am driving an hour and a half to do my presentation on publishing. Have to get ready for today!

Happy Monday!

My to do list

2007-11-11T10:23:00.000-05:00

Vacuum
Brush dog
Grocery shop
Move winter clothes IN and summer clothes OUT
Write dream job description
Laundry
Cook a yummy dinner!
Pack for presentation tomorrow

I wish this post was more interesting, but this is my life right now. I am simply proud that I've posted again. Still working on more consistent postings.

Happy Sunday!

WOW! First Draft Writing Time!!

2007-10-02T10:07:00.000-04:00

I am on such a HIGH right now. Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!! For a VAST thirty minutes, my ten year olds WROTE, WROTE, and WROTE. For THIRTY minutes. Can you get twenty ten year olds to do ANYTHING for 30 MINTUES??

They loved the "freedom" they got with their choices in Writing Workshop. They were able to choose content and form of their writing. I am flummoxed by the inspiration that these fifth graders demonstrated! Some wrote poems, some wrote stories, a couple wrote letters, and one wrote a story in journal form. They created real and meaningful writing.

Ahh!!!!!!!!! Hooray!!!

Can't wait for the next class.

Good Morning

2007-09-21T04:59:00.000-04:00

It's 5:03 a.m. on Friday morning. I don't really have anything new to say, but I want to post and get into the habit of daily writing! Hmmm, what do I have to say?

Today is my 14th day of school. Happily, I am looking forward to going. It's been a struggle. Wondering whether or not I want to continue. I heard something yesterday and it's stuck with me. We are addicted to comfort. In my head, the questions swirl! What's wrong with that? Why can't I be comfortable? Isn't that what we look and search for??? Things, people, situations that make us comfortable? What's so wrong with me wanting to be comfortable??

Hmmm...something to think about.

Exactly where have I been?

2007-09-20T19:08:00.000-04:00

It's been nineteen days since I've last posted. Hmm, where have I been? School. Planning for school and meeting the parents and the students. Beginning the school year and getting the hang of the routine. Now, I've been teaching, grading, meeting, and planning more. When does it stop? June 17th that's when.

This is my thirteenth year of teaching. Hmm, that's like going from K-12, except more than half of those years were spent in fifth grade.

Today was a good day. We calmly enjoyed silent reading time. After reading through our writing notebooks, we picked the best line-the golden line- and published it. We discussed why that was the golden line, and we complimented each other on our talents. Now, I am working on a book of our Golden Lines. How exciting! The best part of today came when a student said to me, "I used to hate writing. I never knew that I was good at it. Now, I love it!"

Who could ask for anything more??

Now, I sit on the balcony and enjoy the breezy autumn evening with my trusted companion and friend, my mutt Leo. Best wishes for a day filled with compliments and calm!

Six Months

2007-09-01T09:05:00.000-04:00

Six months ago today my dad died.

His name was Charles, but he went by Chris. He was tall and had a personality that filled the whole room. In September he got sick, aneurysm in his heart. He survived fourteen hours of surgery and endured months of painful recovery. Through it all, he looked for meaning. He became introspective and thoughtful. I got to spend two weeks with him at Christmas. He read me 'Twas the Night before Christmas one last time. We watched an old western on tv, and we talked and talked and talked.

On February 28, he was eating ice cream. His wife left him for a moment to let the dog out. When she returned, he was unconscious with a dribble of ice cream down his chin. He hung on until my sister and I arrived. Then he was gone.

I miss him everyday. I love him very much.

So Dad, for you today...the Dairy Queen's on me.

Love,
Michelle

Meetings, meetings, meetings

2007-08-27T20:37:00.000-04:00

What purpose do they serve? Sitting all day makes me so tired, I inevitably think is this what my students feel? No, I must be more exciting than the speakers I see. One of the speakers today made an observation that's stuck with me all day. He said that he's taught all ages from kindergarteners to middle school to graduate students to teachers and we all have one thing in common. When we come into a classroom, we sit as far back as possible. (Maybe not the kindergarteners.) His question is this:
What does this say about education? What does it say, that the
students always want to sit far away from the teacher?
Hmmm, that's an excellent question!

This afternoon, my second meeting was better. I learned at least two or three things I'll try this year, but that wasn't my favorite part. My favorite part was seeing that my friend Tim was still using the clipboard he made this summer in my introduction activity. It made me smile!

More meetings tomorrow! Wish me luck!!

Hello from Beyond

2007-08-26T21:32:00.000-04:00

Everything happens for a reason.

How true that is! Tonight, I climbed into bed and glanced out the window. The window that usually has the blinds drawn, yet not tonight. Anyway, as I look, I see the full, bright moon. I remember that Dad used to tell me that no matter how far away we are, we are always beneath the same moon. I smiled as I remembered that conversation. As I said, "I love you, Dad." Lightning brightened the sky surrounding that same moon. My breath caught and I froze. Again I spoke, "Dad, is that you?" And once again, lightning struck. Literally.

Heaven! Maybe instead of being beneath the moon, Dad is sitting on top of it. No matter where he is, I know that he's with me.

That feels so good...so true...so absolute!

Good Night!

Sleep, where are you?

2007-08-09T22:21:00.000-04:00

Can't sleep. It's only 10:21, but still...the house is still and I should sleep. Yet, sleep won't come. It's refusing, thereby forcing my brain to work overtime. Brain cells working late into the night (remember, late is relative) can lead you down dangerous paths that should be avoided. Sleep...where are you? I'm waiting!!!

Good Night
(hopefully)

M-

Body & Soul

2007-08-06T17:06:00.001-04:00

What does a religious experience feel like? This afternoon began with a massage that helped me let go of stress and tension. A walk in the woods followed...alone, but accompanied by my new friends the chipmunks, moths, spiders, and mosquitoes. The rocky path led me through green shadows and cool breezes to God. I found St. Francis meditating by the gazebo. After visiting with him awhile, I continued and discovered the mysteries of the rosary punctuated the walk, each with a trellis and benches. The downhill journey resumed and each step brought me closer to a dream come true. Standing alone in the middle of nature...a chapel. Tears streamed down my cheeks as I entered. This is how I've always wanted to pray. And pray I did. Kneeling, sitting, crying, asking, thanking, talking...praying.

It doesn't get better than this.

I felt like I was seven, exploring the woods for the first time. Each stone led me to a new discovery, a new feeling, a new place. The outdoor theater hosted a waterfall with Mary and her son, Baby Jesus, looking on. We watched the water together. The return hike was uphill, and the humid air captured my breath every chance it got. This required more stops on the way home. I sat in the Trellis of the Anunciation. Wrote, sipped, breathed, walking again to the gazebo. There I watched a orange headed spider search for a way into the screened haven. Finally, to my temporary home at the Appalachian Lodge. Here, I am alone. My friends are outside the door.

Here I sit, writing about them.

Clean House

2007-08-05T16:04:00.000-04:00

What's it about a clean house? Clothes hung up neatly, shoes lined up, dog hair vacuumed...Ahhhhh! I enjoy my home when piles are cleaned up and papers are put in the correct binders. Dishes are washed and sleeping in the cabinets. This is a day when I look around and I can't believe that I live here. I love my cozy one bedroom palace. And tomorrow, I'll leave it for a week. But coming home will be so much sweeter...

Vacation

2007-08-05T05:39:00.000-04:00

Tommorrow I am off to my very first vacation, all by myself! It's like walking to school on the first day of kindergarten. "Where are you going?" you ask. To a spa, in a secluded part of Pennsylvania. Massages and facials await. Hopefully lots of writing time too. I've spent the last two days cleaning and organizing and preparing to leave. I've been experiencing some unusual emotions too...anxiety. Is this because I am going on vacation by myself? Leaving my dog? Or is it because the Summer Institute is over? Hmmm...whatever it is, I know tomorrow morning as I hit the road, the excitement will replace the worry.

I must go and finish laundry, putting songs on my ipod, and organizing books and papers form this summer!

See ya!

2007-08-04T08:36:00.001-04:00

Thirteen Things
I COULDN'T LIVE WITHOUT


1….    Leo, my dog!

2. TiVo

3. Journal

4. Medium point roller ball pens

5. Laptop

6. 600 thread count sheets

7. Pictures of family and friends

8. My original childhood copy of Anne of Green Gables

9. I Pod!

10. Sandals

11. Gerbera Daisies

12. Tall ice cold glass of iced tea

13. ME!

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Did I mention this is my first blog?

2007-08-04T07:11:00.001-04:00

Hmmm...so, as I mentioned in the title: this is my first blog. As I type, I wonder do I have anything of any value worth sharing? Who will read this? Does that matter? Will the readers mock my overuse of the ellipsis? Am I asking too many questions?

For now, my decision remains to write regardless of audience. I write for me.

But, I hope YOU read!!

Sleepless nights...

2007-08-04T06:57:00.000-04:00

After quite a long night fighting with my computer and connecting to wireless...which was connected but said it wasn't connected: I am exhausted.

School, Summer Institute, School...I am in between these experiences and that feels...in between. Preparing to clean, pack, and vacation. Going to a spa!! For the first time, this is a vacation by myself. Relaxing and quiet, with LOTS of time to write. What will I do without contact to the outside world for two whole days? Exciting to discover...