Ch...ch...ch...changes!

Ugh! Am I the only one who feels like this? I want to be happy. There have been so many changes in my life lately.Exciting changes, scary changes...life, you know? I work hard to make good choices to make me happy. Why does it seem like everything is backfiring? I feel alone, and today I feel like I'm a failure. Intellectually I know it's not true, but it's how I feel. My bedroom is filling up with water, as I write this blog. It won't be addressed until Monday. Work is a lonely place. I feel like I do not belong, a lot of the time. Right now, I don't feel good, either. When will things improve? I'm looking forward to life changing for the better.

Out of Control

Rain....Hanna...Drip, drip, drip, drip...now, pouring into my bedroom. I hate feeling out of control. The rain is literally pouring into my bedroom. There is NOTHING I can do about it. All I wanted to do today was to have a quiet rainy day, reading and watching Tivo. Instead I'm freaking out because my bedroom is turning into a lake. The furniture is about to get soaked. There is NOTHING I can do about it.

Breathe. Relax. The builder will fix it on Monday. I will make sure. Why ruin any more of my weekend? OK. I've decided to let go. (OK, I'm trying.) Hope you are staying out of the rain.

Ch Ch Ch Change...

I made a decision to transfer schools this year. I've been at my previous school for almost ten years, but it became an unhealthy place for me professionally. Last spring, I interviewed and got the job. I shared the news with my colleagues and all was good. The reality has set in and it's harder than I thought it'd be.

Going back to work in August has always been very social for me. Catching up with old friends and checking in with each other. Commiserating, giggling, and hugging were integral parts of back to school. This year it's different. No one (practically) knows me. Being middle school, it's a different environment than the touchy-feely elementary teachers....I feel isolated. No one invites me to lunch. I've eaten alone three times in five days.

Of course, being single compounds this feeling of lonliness. When I get home, it's me and my dog. It won't always be like this. I know. It's hard. I've NEVER been a woman who's afraid to be alone. I understand that feeling for the first time.

Last Day of Freedom...kinda

Tomorrow, it's official. I begin my job as a sixth grade teacher. Butterflies have taken over my stomach and my throat and my head....excitement, nerves, I feel alive. It's what I wanted. I have to keep reminding myself of that. Yesterday, it occurred to me (for the first time since I took my new job) that I won't see my friends everyday. Being single, work is a social place for me. YIKES! It's the same feeling I had on the first day of fourth grade, when I was beginning a new school. "Will anyone like me?" I can't believe at 36, I still wonder about that. Anyway, I decided to procrastinate and forget about what's ahead. Happy Chyck Wonders challenged with this One Word Answer. Here goes:

Simply answer each prompt with only one word.

Some claim that one word is harder than it looks, but if I can limit my answers, anyone can do this!

1. Where is your cell phone? downstairs

2. Where is your significant other? ?

3. Your hair color? black

4. Your mother? cute

5. Your father? positive

6. Your favorite thing? journal

8. Your dream/goal? content-ness

9. The room you’re in? bed

10. Your hobby? writing

11. Your fear? birds

12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? happy

13. Where were you last night? out

14. What you’re not? liar

15. One of your wish-list items?

16. Where you grew up? Springfield

17. The last thing you did? laundry

18. What are you wearing? pajamas

19. Your TV? new

20. Your pet? Leo

21. Your computer? addicted

22. Your mood? alive

23. Missing someone? Dad

24. Your car? sporty

25. Something you’re not wearing? shoes

26. Favorite store? book

27. Your summer? perfect

28. Love someone? Zoe

29. Your favorite color? yellow

30. When is the last time you laughed? today

31. Last time you cried? tonight

32. Who do you want to tag? anyone

Yes! Anyone! If you are still enjoying your summer, take the time to waste a little time!

Control...Happiness

I've been thinking a lot about control. Controlling my emotions, my eating, my exercise...who really has control? I took back control Thursday. Allowing myself to to make mistakes and be human...I feel happy. Happy that I am learning to love myself. Love who I am and what I can do. What a novel concept...I am regularly amazed at how I may still learn SIMPLE concepts. Exercise should be enjoyable and life affirming. Making a mistake is no reason to sabotage an entire day of hard work. Setting small goals will get me there. Appreciate people for who they are. Mostly I am learning to enjoy the journey.

Time to nap. (Learning to love those too.)

Happy Father's Day

Life Lesson

Today I heard from a friend that, our friendship was over. I'm sorry to say that this is not the first friendship to end so abruptly. Sad. All I can think is what life lesson will emerge from this friendship? What have I learned? Thinking...

YIKES!

Ugh! I don't know where to start...let me warn any possible readers that this will be some serious verbal diarrhea...I am sitting alone in my classroom and it's hot and sweaty and I am MISERABLE. I feel like I don't want anyone around me...I feel like I am completely alone...it's like a panic attack. Dad's gone. Every one's moving on with life...right now I am FROZEN. If I could run out of this building right now I would. I just want to escape. People are annoying me. Just going about their daily business and I want to SCREAM look at me!!! I Hate this!!! (I'm not sure exactly what this is.) I am disappointed because colleagues are getting new jobs and interviews and I WANT TO LEAVE. This became crystal clear to me today.

I've outgrown this.

Well...eight minutes until the kids are back. Luckily I still like all of them!!!

Breathe...breathe....(just reminding myself)

National Poetry Month

This week we've been writing poetry in class to celebrate National Poetry Month. I teach two classes and all year one of these classes has challenged me every step of the way. Yesterday I taught a lesson to reluctant poetry writers. WOW! They wrote poetry. It was one of those moments....one of those days...

Our Thursdays end with the whole school writing for fifteen minutes of writing. In those fifteen minutes, I wrote a poem inspired by these students. I'll post it tomorrow!

One more day til the weekend...enjoy Friday.

A New Me

OK...it's been such a long time since I've posted here. Life gets so busy. So many people and responsibilities pulling me in every imaginable way. It's only 8:30 am and today I've made a decision. A decision to change my body, my nutrition, and my exercise...for so long I've hidden behind the pounds. It's safer. No one will look at me because of all of the extra padding. Safer. My heart hurts so much from my loss this year, that I needed to protect it. Every day I get stronger and want to be myself again. I'm tired of hiding. My goals include being kind to myself, being patient, moving more, and eating less. One day at a time, I will change my life...

20 Questions

20 questions happens to be my very favorite game.

What is your superpower?

– I have the ability to disappear whenever I choose.

Who are you most like in life?

– I am most like my dad. Outgoing, positive, and hard working! Dad taught me to love life and enjoy every moment.

Do people ever tell you you look like a celebrity?

– I think I have one of those faces that looks familiar. I have been recognized all over the world. One person (long ago) told me I looked like Carrie Fisher. (I don't see it.)

What are your views on weddings?

– NOT for me. I planned a wedding (but canceled before the event). Not worth the money or stress. I want a beach and a sunset, or a quaint chapel in the woods...small, quiet and peaceful!

What was the last book you read?

– I am really into Paulo Coelho.
By the River Piedra I Sat Down and Wept: A Novel of Forgiveness (P.S.)
By the River Piedra I Sat Down and Wept: A Novel of Forgiveness is what I am currently reading. It is phenomenal!

Who is your hero?

– My mom and dad are my heroes. The older I get, the more I appreciate what they did for me and my sister. I feel lucky to have them as my parents!

What are five songs that would be on the soundtrack of your life?

– Anyway by Martina McBride.
– The Impossibles, Joe Nichols.
– Always on Your Side, Sheryl Crow & Sting.
– Strength, Courage, and Wisdom by India.Arie
– Taking Chances by Celine Dion

Have you ever been burned?

– Never badly.

What is your worst habit?

– Fidgeting and being too hard on myself.

What is the best lesson your parents taught you?

–Learn to take care of yourself!

What are three things that hang on your walls?

–I JUST moved...nothing yet. I will have plenty of family pictures.

Who do you think will actually WIN the presidency? Will it be the right choice?

–I believe Obama has a very good chance at winning. He has my vote.

Is your bed made right now?

–No. I'm IN bed right now.

Where would you like to wake up in the morning if you could be anywhere?

– Martha's Vineyard in August.

Do you do anything creative?

– I write.

What would you like to be doing in five years if there were no limits to who you could be?

– Married and pregnant. Working at my own Writing Center. Publishing my writing.

Why Craigslist?

– Why not?

What is really the greatest thing about meeting someone new?

– What it teaches you about the world, yourself, and the possibility it opens.

If you didn’t have to work, would you?

– Write, travel, open my own business, discover life.

What are you doing to make less of an impact on the earth?

– Who wants to make less? Don't you want to make MORE impact?? (I get it. I recycle.)

Hope you all enjoyed and I look forward to your 20 answers ;)

Drowning...almost

I bought a home and survived the one year anniversary of my dad's passing. Home free! Things will be getting better. Wrong! Frustrated. Uneasy. Weepy. I'm fighting all of these feelings while I feel like I am drowning in them. The harder I fight, the more I lose. I don't understand, until I let go.


Letting go feels so good. I feel free, safe, and happy. Why does it take so long for me to remember? Why do I fight for so long? Is the struggle really necessary? OK, what lessons will I learn from these couple of weeks. Patience? Growth? Will I be motivated to move on (career wise)?

Almost drowning...means surviving. That's what I'm doing! SURVIVING!!!

I did it!

I bought my first home...all by myself. Sitting here in my dining room I can hardly believe that I am here. The process of buying a home was overwhelming and exhausting! Luckily, I was surrounded by wonderful people from the man who showed me the home, to the loan officer, the bank tellers, even the builder...all treated me well and were very helpful. I know, from my friends, that's not always the case!

Back to real life today. Work. Clean out my old apartment, change the mail, and return the cable box. Yuck!!!

Time to walk the dog. Have a good day!

Thrusday Thirteen on Friday

Thirteen Books About Where I’m From

1. Make Way for Ducklings by Robert McKloskey
2. The House of Seven Gables by Nathaniel Hawthorne
3. Poems of Emily Dickinson
4. Mystic River by Dennis Lehane
5. A Civil Action by Jonathan Harr
6. Selling the Lite of Heaven by Suzanne Strempek Shea
7. Among Schoolchlildren by Tracy Kidder
8. The Inn at Lake Devine by Elinor Lipman
9. The Weight of Water by Anita Shreve
10. Running with Scissors by Augusten Burroughs
11. Owl Moon by Jane Yolen
12. Walter the Baker by Eric Carle
13. Faithful by Stephen King

1. 
   

Happy Valentine's Day, Dad!

Good Morning...today is a day for reflection. Valentine's Day always revolved around boyfriends or secret admirers or the possibility of such romantic love. Not today. Today Valentine's Day is a day of to remember. My Dad. Last year on Valentine's Day, he called me (as he always did). Ever since I was a little girl, I was his valentine. He'd send me goofy cards when I was away at college, or flowers sometimes. He always remembered. Today, I remember him. Today was the last day that I spoke with him before he died. I can't believe it's been a year. I've already survived Thanksgiving, Christmas, birthdays, and my sister's wedding without him. I'll get through this, too. But, I want to make sure and stop today and say:

"Happy Valentine's Day, Dad! I love you this much!"

Friday Fill-Ins

#57

1. Once I was hopeless, scared, and unsure...until I took the first step.
2. Laying in bed, slurping chicken soup, and sleeping all day is being sick.
3. Today at work I will have a day of while at work.
4. What's blogging all about?
5. If I make a mistake I cringe, hide, and then desperately work to fix it.
6. When I woke up this morning, I thought SNOW DAY?!?!
7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to jewelry party, tomorrow my plans include BUNCO and Sunday, I want to sleep!!!!

Friday Fill-Ins

1. Writing makes me happy.
2. I would like new and exciting things in my life, please.
3. Peppermint ice cream tastes SO good!
4. Saturday is my favorite day of the week because it's my ME day.
5. My smile is my best feature.
6. We could learn so much from puppies.
7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to quiet time, tomorrow my plans include lunch with S and Sunday, I will have brunch with K!

Survey about me

Name one person who made you laugh last night? Leo

What were you doing at 8:00? Talking on the phone

What were you doing 30 minutes ago? Eating dinner.

What happened to you in 2006? It seems like a lifetime ago.

What was the last thing you said out loud? Mmmmmm

How many beverages did you have today? 2 cups of coffee, 2 sodas, 4 glasses of iced tea

What color is your hairbrush? black

What was the last thing you paid for? diner

Where were you last night? at a friend's house for a birthday dinner

What color is your front door? green

Where do you keep your change? all over the place

What’s the weather like today? blue skies and sunny...cold

What’s the best ice-cream flavor? Chocolate marshmallow or cake batter

Do you want to cut your hair? Just cut it.

Are you over the age of 25? yup!!

Do you talk a lot? hmmm, oh I think the safe answer would be yes

Do you know anyone named Steven? acquaintances

Do you make up your own words? Always

Are you a jealous person? Have been

Who’s the first person on your received call list? Mom

What does the last text message you received say? Thank you for paying your phone bill

Do you chew on your straw? never

Do you have curly hair? Yes

Where’s the next place you’re going to? to walk the dog and then to yoga class

Who’s the rudest person in your life? upstairs neighbors with obnoxious dogs

What was the last thing you ate? mashed potatoes

Will you get married in the future? I hope so!

What’s the best movie you’ve seen in the past 2 weeks? Haven't seen a movie in 2 weeks

Is there anyone you like right now? not really

When was the last time you did the dishes? this morning

Are you currently depressed? nope!

Did you cry today? a bit this morning

Why did you answer and post this? Why do I do anything...

Life Changing

No matter how much resistance we put up, life goes ahead and changes itself anyway. Weddings, babies, moving, new jobs...all signify the power of life's changing force. I don't know what this means other than I'm in the midst of changing. That proverbial fork in the road is ahead and approaching closer with each moment, and I am frozen. Searching. Grasping onto my faith that I will know which choice is the right one. Now, I know change is searching me out. I am jumping up and down flailing my arms. "Here I am!!" Except we can't seem to find each other, so here I sit. Believing that change will come. Believing that my friend, Kathy, is right when she says, "It won't always be like this." So, this is my message to change: I'm ready. Bring it on!

Happy Birthday to me.