There's a Light

(Beth Nielsen Chapman)

Today I am feeling lonely. That's the bad news. But here's the good news, feeling lonely doesn't mean I deserve to feel lonely. It doesn't make me a bad person. It doesn't make me undeserving of love. It's a simple feeling. I'm not anesthetizing this feeling. I'm just letting myself feel it. Dad used to say, "You get one day, Michelle. Go ahead and feel bad for one day, but then put it behind you and move on." So today...I'm feeling lonely...and tomorrow, I will put it behind me.

There You Are

(Martina McBride)

Well, I did it. Once again, I took the leap into....wait for it....internet dating. I abhor it...BUT, I am different this time. I feel like I am a different person. I am a runner. I am a Christian. These things I say about myself with confidence and conviction, so with those tools, I am attempting to continue "build"ing this year. Last night made me see that I need to believe in myself. Believe in my own worthy-ness to meet someone. I do. Finally (well, right now) I believe it. So onto the dating world. Watch out, here I come!

Just Might (Make Me Believe)

(Sugarland)

Just got home from another amazing deck party at C's. I love fun nights out meeting new people. Tonight was a good night...a really good night. The group was small, intimate would be an appropriate description. The best part was we were from different parts of her life. Her brother, sister-in-law, and nephew…family; her roommate, a couple of teacher friends from her former school, some church friends, a high school friend from Michigan, and a neighbor (oh, and me). I’d only met two or three of these people at the last party, so I was nervous going in.

There’s one specific thing I’d like to talk about here…the unexpected.  Driving the hour to get to her deck party, I was ruminating the possibility of meeting someone, as I often do when I am in a situation where I’m able to meet new people. Tears formed as I lamented the “alone-ness” of my romantic life. I felt helpless and hopeless, but I remembered a line from a book I bought today about how I’m not in control of this part of my life, God is.

When I arrived, there were three other guests (all women), so I immediately dismissed the idea of meeting anyone. People trickled in…a neighbor was grilling wings to serve. This neighbor, a former marine, seemed very nice. I said, “ You’re the wing man.” He laughed.

There were only 8 or 9 people at the party, so we were all chatting together. Eventually, conversations split and we talked about accidents we had as kids, cooking, and other things. He makes very corny jokes…but if you know me, you know what I do, I laugh. I was happy. I felt good. I felt hope.

The story does not end with…and they lived happily ever after, but it does have a happy ending. This story isn’t even really about the neighbor (even though he was sweet, funny, attractive, could talk to anyone easily, and seemed to enjoy my company). No it’s not about him. It’s about me. I enjoyed my time with him. I felt “worthy” of him and his attention. Now, he has a girlfriend and lives about an hour away, BUT tonight God showed me that there is hope. Thank you!

Continued thoughts on running...

One of the things I didn't write about in my last post was how I was feeling coming up to the race. Having had some knee problems, I was scared to race. I felt like I wasn't prepared and that I would do a terrible job. In my life, I avoid things that I feel like I can't do well, instead of facing them head on. All week long, even this morning, the tape playing in my head was, "Maybe I won't feel well on Sunday." or "No one will know if I don't run." or "What reason can I come up with to not run?" I started with justifications and reasoning myself right out of it. Even this morning, I arrived early and didn't see anyone I knew for 35 minutes. I thought about leaving.

But, I didn't. I ran.

I pushed myself to stay and see what would happen. This morning I also prayed A LOT! I wrote down scripture verses about fear and repeated them to myself. Once I ran into my friends who were running, there was no "escape", Thank God!

Once the race began, I felt great. I wish I could describe the feeling of running and what it means to me. Words fail me. I felt strong, motivated, happy, alive...see these words come close, but don't encompass the experience for me. I kept thinking, "I could have missed this!" And that's what I want to remember...the "I could have missed this!" feeling. That feeling will keep me running. I am truly proud of myself today. I made a real change in my life. So, June 11th...four mile twilight run...here I come!

I am a runner.

"Chariots of Fire"

I wasn't planning on blogging about running, but then I thought...why not? This morning I ran my second 5K in Ashburn. I was literally scared of running today. My knee has been bothering me and I was scared that I wouldn't finish. My win...my success is showing up and running it this morning when all I wanted to do was hide and skip it.

My first 5K was on April 30th...Run Me Home, sponsored by my church, LUMC. It was an amazing first race. I loved everything about it. The morning was cool...race started at 7:00, much of it was on the W&OD trail, lots of friendly faces around! (Runners are some of the nicest and most supportive people around!) Here is a picture of my running in my very first 5K....

Today, May 22nd, my second 5K was in Ashburn Village. The race started at 8:00, LOTS more people, very crowded, NO shade, LOTS of hills, and the 5K and 10K started together...didn't like that. But, I had my new Enell Running Bra on, a hat to keep those whispy hairs from flying in my eyes, my iPod with my killer playlist, and my positive attitude. 

Every time I run, I learn something new. That's one of the reasons I love running. Today I learned that I need to continue to work on my cardio. My knee, my legs, my body was prepared to keep running, but I couldn't catch my breath. I am looking forward to continuing my training to fix that problem. I need to remember that I began running February 28th. Before that I was completely sedentary. My running journey continues....and I am loving it! 

This morning I found some scripture verses to inspire me to continue. There are the ones that helped me this morning: 

I can do everything through him who gives me strength.
Philippians 4:13 NIV

For God gave us not a spirit of fearfulness; but of power and love and discipline. (2 Timothy 1:7) (American Standard Version)

For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you. (Isaiah 41:13)

 

Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart
and wait for the LORD.
Psalm 27:14 New International Version

"Friends"

(Michael W. Smith)

I just walked in from a dinner with friends. Feeling grateful, content, and giddy from all of our giggles. There's something special about time spent with friends. Sharing, talking, laughing...I find it inspiring. These friends came into my life about a year ago and my life has changed- for the better- since knowing them.  We go to church together, we pray together, we share our successes and failures...we are present in each others lives. They are accepting, kind, smart, funny, beautiful women who have made me better for knowing them. There's a song about friends that keeps running through my head...

This video is for you, my friends...

"These are the Days"

(Sugarland)

It's been eleven days since I've posted here...sorry about that. I started another blog for my students which has been keeping me VERY busy.

Then the past three work days: Snow days! Yippeee!

I want to write more, but I don't know what to say. Hmmm....that's not usually a problem for me. I will at least post this so I am not MIA anymore.