Starting off with honesty

I'm in a strange place in my life. A week and a half ago, my life was headed in a completely different direction. It's the cliche, life can change in an instant, well, it's a cliche for a reason. I feel disingenuous by not owning up to the pain that I'm feeling. Working to move on from the pain is kind of like ignoring it. I don't want to ignore it, but I don't want to wallow and I certainly don't want to talk about it. Move on. That's what I want to do. An adoption was supposed to happen and now it's not going to. That's my story today. Just below the surface is pain and I'm waiting for it to sink deeper and deeper so it won't bubble up suddenly. Once it becomes part of me, I feel like I'll be able to forge ahead with my life.

We all have stories of joy, pain, growth, learning, change...this is mine right now. I need another focus while I heal...writing. Writing has always been a salve for me and my pain. Writing through things help me figure them out, but that's not what I'm talking about. I want to write. Writing is freedom to me. Escaping into a world of my own creation. Perhaps that's one reason why author is such an attractive word to me.

I received many comments (and THANK YOU for the comments, by the way) wondering where this word will take me. I'm imagining a new life for me than the one I had planned. Becoming an author. Now, I just need to find my story. 

Word of the Year 2013

In keeping with the last few years, I've decided to pick a new word of the year.  of this  is to guide me throughout the year. Resolutions do not work for me, but picking a word to focus me helps a lot! My words in past years include: 

2009: mettle
2010: engage
2011: build
2012: embrace

My word for 2013 came to me pretty quickly. It wasn't one that I struggled over very much. The reason why I pick my word stays private and personal. There are certainly some obvious connotations, but there are just as many reasons that wouldn't be obvious to others. For the first time, my word is not a verb. That was a conscious choice. Without further adieu, my word for 2013 is...

author

Continued thoughts on running...

One of the things I didn't write about in my last post was how I was feeling coming up to the race. Having had some knee problems, I was scared to race. I felt like I wasn't prepared and that I would do a terrible job. In my life, I avoid things that I feel like I can't do well, instead of facing them head on. All week long, even this morning, the tape playing in my head was, "Maybe I won't feel well on Sunday." or "No one will know if I don't run." or "What reason can I come up with to not run?" I started with justifications and reasoning myself right out of it. Even this morning, I arrived early and didn't see anyone I knew for 35 minutes. I thought about leaving.

But, I didn't. I ran.

I pushed myself to stay and see what would happen. This morning I also prayed A LOT! I wrote down scripture verses about fear and repeated them to myself. Once I ran into my friends who were running, there was no "escape", Thank God!

Once the race began, I felt great. I wish I could describe the feeling of running and what it means to me. Words fail me. I felt strong, motivated, happy, alive...see these words come close, but don't encompass the experience for me. I kept thinking, "I could have missed this!" And that's what I want to remember...the "I could have missed this!" feeling. That feeling will keep me running. I am truly proud of myself today. I made a real change in my life. So, June 11th...four mile twilight run...here I come!

I am a runner.

Word of the Year 2011: Build

Build...

This is the third year I have chosen a word of the year to guide me throughout the next twelve months. My first word was (2009) mettle. I loved that word! It just fit! The next word (for 2010) was engage. Again this word came to me easily and it fit. This year I struggled to find just the right word. I had settled on another word...until I some BIG things happened to me...it didn't fit anymore. I consulted a friend and build seemed the best fit.

Build my relationships.
Build my faith and relationship with God.
Build my professional achievements.
Build myself.

Specifically, there are a couple of wats I plan on achieving this.
1. I want to run...run a race.
2. I want to write...here on this blog, amongst other places.
3. I want to take pictures...maybe take a photography class.
4. I want to read the bible...the whole bible this year.


So, 2011...I'm ready to build a great year!!!