The Reason

(Carole King)

Do you ever sit back and look at your life? Is it what you imagined it would be? No judgment, but does it look like what you thought it would look like? Mine is not! What do you do with the expectations that haven't been met?

I remember being a little girl, somewhere around seven or maybe eight years old and talking to my dad about expectations. Well, he was talking to me. I'd get myself all worked up, usually around Christmas or my birthday, about all of the excitement. That would typically turn into disappointment. Nothing ever lived up to my lofty expectations. He started,way back then, to talk to me about the bigger picture. He taught me how to have an open mind and expect the unexpected...and to be grateful. That way, I'd be surprised and certainly NOT disappointed. My expectations used to limit me. If things didn't go exactly as I wanted (even if they were better), I would be disappointed because I didn't get what I wanted.

Who knew that I would use that life lesson at thirty-seven years old? The picture I had in my head of me at this age included a husband, children, and being surrounded by family. None of those things are true. I am single, live over four hundred miles away from the closest family, and I have a dog. There are times when this makes me sad. I feel like I've failed...at the most basic thing: having a family. But, thank God for the lesson my dad taught me. I am grateful for so much in my life: I own my own home (and I did that by myself)!! I have a life filled with friends that love and take care of me. I adopted an abused dog and he has grown and changed so much over the past five years. I LOVE my job and it has taken me further than I ever thought possible. Who would have ever thought that I would teach middle school? I have taught a graduate class at a great university and I continue to further my professional development by applying for my national board certification.

Once upon a time, (ten years ago) I was engaged. That life would have provided the picture that I expected, but I wasn't happy. Still I dream of family, children, love...but just like dad used to tell me, I am so grateful for my life today!

Ch...ch...ch...changes!

Ugh! Am I the only one who feels like this? I want to be happy. There have been so many changes in my life lately.Exciting changes, scary changes...life, you know? I work hard to make good choices to make me happy. Why does it seem like everything is backfiring? I feel alone, and today I feel like I'm a failure. Intellectually I know it's not true, but it's how I feel. My bedroom is filling up with water, as I write this blog. It won't be addressed until Monday. Work is a lonely place. I feel like I do not belong, a lot of the time. Right now, I don't feel good, either. When will things improve? I'm looking forward to life changing for the better.

Control...Happiness

I've been thinking a lot about control. Controlling my emotions, my eating, my exercise...who really has control? I took back control Thursday. Allowing myself to to make mistakes and be human...I feel happy. Happy that I am learning to love myself. Love who I am and what I can do. What a novel concept...I am regularly amazed at how I may still learn SIMPLE concepts. Exercise should be enjoyable and life affirming. Making a mistake is no reason to sabotage an entire day of hard work. Setting small goals will get me there. Appreciate people for who they are. Mostly I am learning to enjoy the journey.

Time to nap. (Learning to love those too.)

Life Lesson

Today I heard from a friend that, our friendship was over. I'm sorry to say that this is not the first friendship to end so abruptly. Sad. All I can think is what life lesson will emerge from this friendship? What have I learned? Thinking...